Dear Friends, Family and Augusta Taxpayers,
Christmas is almost here again! My how time flies here at City Hall! It hardly seems possible it’s been a year since you received our last annual Yuletide greetings about all of the exciting things your local governing body, the Augusta Commission, has done to enhance the quality of life here in this historic city on the banks of the beautiful Savannah River.
Yet, another year has come and almost gone with equally momentous accomplishments by your elected officials.
To wit, 2023 has been a record-setting year of achievement with three brand new commissioners and two seasoned statesmen. Unfortunately, Santa was running late to get everything delivered and just dropped the new ones down the chimney, and one landed on his head. But not to worry. Little real harm was done, and he fits right in with the others so well, you’d never know the difference.
New Augusta Mayor Garnett Johnson was eager to take the reins as Augusta’s 85th mayor, but after eight magnificent years as mayor, Hardie Davis was not ready to leave. He issued an executive order to extend his term to Jan. 3, and also issued one for the city to provide him with an office and staff until March, so he could help with the transition.
Fortunately, the first order was negated when somebody took the time to read the law and noticed the end of his term was not negotiable. The second order was also negated when Mayor Johnson decided he really didn’t need that much help with the transition, and several commissioners implied they were tickled to death to see Davis leave and didn’t want him around one second longer than necessary.
This reminded us, the city staff, of the old adage, “The king is dead! Long live the king!”
Moving right along
One of the first commission meetings of the year was a fine example of the city’s affirmative action program. Commissioners voted to reduce the experience needed as city administrator from three to five years to six months.
This was designed to let hard working truck drivers and groundskeepers who’re required to have only one year of relevant experience know they might be able to live the dream and rise to the highest paying job in the city with only six months of relevant experience.
The definition of “relevant experience” is somewhat vague, so it is realistically possible for a groundskeeper or a truck driver or almost anyone to develop the necessary skills of doing what they’re told by six people, aka commissioners, and therefore meet the minimum experience requirement.
In some cases, following the direction of only one commissioner might be sufficient to qualify for the job.
Meanwhile, the city was honored when former Mayor Davis was selected to teach an ethics course at his alma mater, Georgia Tech. What better example of fine government is there when your mayor is chosen to teach an ethics course?
Unfortunately, several local and apparently unethical Georgia Tech alumni expressed their concern regarding the actual ethical behavior of our former mayor, and the offer was unfairly snatched from his grasping fingertips.
Barely legal
As most of you know, most large cities have adult entertainment, and apparently there was an effort by the Land Bank Authority to move into the big leagues. I’m sure Director Shawn Edwards has other wonderful ideas to move the city forward above and beyond his “personal endeavor,” the strip club, by paying $1.3 million for the Weed School, valued at $255,000. He’s obviously trying to raise the property values in the Sand Hills neighborhood.
In addition, it seems like Mr. Edwards and the Land Bank Authority hosted a conference locally to tout the values of Augusta. This conference is somewhat similar to the conference former Fire Chief Ronnie Few held in Augusta years ago to underline the value of the Augusta Fire Department. Both conferences helped improve the Augusta sales tax revenue and local economy by spending lots of local money locally.
Mr. Edwards recruited talent for his conference from out of the country, all the way from Jamaica. There has been some confusion about whether he has been recruiting talent for the strip club or a speaker for the conference. But surely, Mr. Edwards will be able to explain that at the next illegally called Land Bank Authority meeting.
Working for you
Just like you, the city of Augusta supports the federal government by following IRS rules and regulations. And just like you, when you don’t file the paperwork right or not at all, the IRS will come knocking at your door.
The city received a $2 million-plus interest bill for 2017 as a result of a misunderstanding in reference to the Affordable Care Act. It’s possible the city will be billed the same amount for 2018, 2019, 2020 and 2021. Another example of how the city works for you, using its own mistakes to make sure its citizens know that you don’t mess with the IRS.
A 20 percent profit for Central’s shareholders, and then some
While bleeding money, the city was able to negotiate a new contract with Central EMS to replace Gold Cross EMS for ambulance service. And while some commissioners thought the Gold in Gold Cross was real, it turns out the real gold was the $2.7 million subsidy provided to Central EMS.
In addition to that, because we’re just nice people, the commission is allowing Central to use its fire stations and is also subsidizing the company by providing dispatch services at the 911 center.
It’s always been the commission’s position that to pay $650,000 a year for a service when you can pay $2.7 million and tens of thousands of dollars in additional perks is not the way to go.
Once again, we’re using trickle-down economics to help solidify Augusta’s city financial picture.
Hacked by the best
The city’s award-winning Information Technology Department was hacked by who had to be the greatest hacker in the world to break through our security system.
After several weeks of reduced services, we were able to return to normal. And if you still have questions about the $100,000 water bill you received, please call 311. If nobody answers, please call 312, 313, 314 and so on until someone eventually answers.
You can also send an e-mail to Augusta, Maine, and they will forward us the information when the snow melts.
Restoring the Garden City
As you know, Augusta has long been known as the Garden City. And, as you also know, it’s hard to grow a garden in the shade. So, the city decided to cut down the trees on Greene Street to enhance our gardening ability.
We cut the trees down despite pleas from a local child asking us to save our trees because they provide oxygen and a home for animals. We also did that to solidify our place as one of the most polluted cities in the country as we strive to be number one.
We have a plan
Augustans continue to raise concern about the New Savannah River Lock and Dam, which forms the pool that is the lifeblood of Augusta’s riverfront community. Therefore, we are developing a program to market mudflats under the control of the new Riverbank Authority in case the dam court case doesn’t go our way.
Appealing
One of our former commissioners who always considered himself a man of the people now lives in a federally subsidized community. Another fine example of a commissioner putting himself in the shoes of many of his former constituents who have been treated unfairly by the judicial system.
Speaking of the judicial system, the petition to recall Sheriff Richard Rountree was denied by the Board of Elections because it lacked the necessary 100 sponsors.
The sheriff had more sponsors than that at his annual Christmas party.
Flushing with success
The Recreation Department was proud to announce that the toilets are now functioning at Diamond Lakes Regional Park. If you have been waiting to go there, you can now.
Plans are also being developed for a zipline over the river where you can go before or after going at Diamond Lakes Park.
Everything changes
The federal government has changed the name of Fort Gordon to Fort Eisenhower. We will hopefully have all the direction signs changed to the new name before President Eisenhower becomes politically incorrect.
Think locally. Hire locally.
We’re pleased to report that after a search covering the Southeast, the consulting firm and city staff have narrowed the applicant pool for a new city administrator to six people. Apparently four of them have been hiding right under our noses the whole time. According to the consultant, we have enough people right here to run four cities the size of Augusta. That’s what happens when you reduce the experience requirements to only six months and prohibit folks from outside the Southeast or those who haven’t worked for a local local government for the past three years from applying. So, potentially a city groundskeeper who left local government three years ago and went on to head a Fortune 500 company should not be considered for the job, according to one fat, bullying commissioner.
Farewell!
All of us who work for the city of Augusta wish you a joyous holiday season! As you can well imagine, between now and the new year it might be hard to find us in our offices or answering the phones as we take our well-deserved three weeks off with pay.
Merry Christmas and thank God 2023 is almost over!
