It has often been said and most certainly verified by experience that the Federal Government can and most often does totally confuse and complicate everything it touches. In my mind’s eye I can envision what would happen if the government were to assume the manufacture and distribution of one of the most essential of all human implements, the common toothpick. Now, we are all very familiar with this most necessary tool. With it we are able to remove unwanted food particles which are wedged between our teeth and seated around our gums. It has been in common use for hundreds of years and is found on most every table or in every cupboard of every kitchen in the country.
Somehow, it seems that all of a sudden some little panty-waisted bureaucrat who has done very little of any value in his whole life, decided that the populace would be much better off and indeed would find it essential if the Federal Government assumed the responsibility of manufacturing and distributing that little wooden sliver known as a toothpick.
As we let our minds wander down the paths that the bureaucrat’s mind would naturally find attractive, we might ask ourselves this question: What would a toothpick look like and how would it operate if a Federal Government bureaucrat designed it? I propose the following:
First, each one would be pointed on only one end. The purpose of this design would be to keep people from sticking the other sharp end into their finger or under their fingernail thereby avoiding a trip to the doctor or emergency room. Every human being needs this kind of protection. Just think of the infections and pain which will be avoided.
Second, each toothpick would need a device designed to keep it from being swallowed or inhaled by someone who is a novice at picking their teeth. I can envision that the little anti-swallowing device would need to be big enough not to be ingested if some unforeseen and unfortunate occurrence took place such as a hiccup or a sneeze while in the act of extracting food from between the teeth. It would have to be mounted on the dull end of the toothpick and would need to be something that resembled a small umbrella in the opened position. Certainly, this would be sufficient to protect the unwary or careless picker. The little umbrella would allow the sharp end of the toothpick to enter the mouth and do its job while the little umbrella would not go past the lips thereby keeping the person safe from choking while removing unwanted food stuck amongst their pearly whites. Certainly, mused the little panty-waisted metro-sexual bureaucrat this would be a most brilliant and well accepted idea. It might take some getting used to but in the coming years people will praise the wisdom of the person who framed the design…or so he thinks.
Third, each of these little federally designed utensils would have to have a serial number emblazoned on it to make sure that investigators would know where it was bought and where it was manufactured in case someone, somewhere was able to swallow the umbrella and succeeded in ingesting the toothpick which is now more akin to a device. In addition, they would be able to find out who purchased the box of toothpicks and where they purchased it. This will be most helpful when the study is done to ascertain the effectiveness of the design and also to help other panty-waisted bureaucrats to redesign the implement and present the populace with the improved model when the Toothpick Awareness PAC holds its meeting. These serial numbers will have to be printed with non-toxic ink and should be positioned on the side of the shaft near the little anti-swallowing umbrella device.
Fourth, one would have to sign a form which attested to the fact that they had read the 227 page instruction manual just to make sure they know how to use the toothpick properly. Reading the manual entitled, The Proper Use of the Common Toothpick, will be absolutely necessary before a box of toothpicks can be purchased. Any grocery store, or other retailer who sold toothpicks to a customer without validating that they had read the instruction manual and that the purchaser was at least 18 years old, would be fined no less that Ten Thousand dollars and would be required to resign their job and do six months of public service to atone for their careless
oversight and for breaking the federal law which applies to such cases. That law being unanimously passed by both houses of Congress and is entitled: The Federal Oral Food Particle Extraction Law. As one Congressman so nobly stated: “This law is one of the most important pieces of legislation that this august body has passed in the past 25 years. It will save hundreds of lives and will relieve untold human suffering. I am most proud of the fact that I have affixed my name to it.” Upon completing the reading of the instruction book, The Proper Use of the Common Toothpick, the citizen will be presented a document suitable for framing which will attest to the fact that they have completely read the document and are therefore qualified to operate a toothpick in a safe manner.
Fifth, the Federal Oral Food Particle Extraction Law stipulates that anyone who tampers with a toothpick will face prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. Such law mandates that anyone guilty of tampering will be forbidden from ever using a toothpick again in their entire life. They will be forced to live with food stuck between their teeth no matter how uncomfortable and unsightly it might be. Additionally, they will be shunned by people who are repulsed by the smell of their breath and the sight of the gum disease resulting from never again being able to use the new federally mandated toothpick. Those who tamper with the new toothpick rightly deserve such punishment.
Sixth, each person who purchases a container of toothpicks must purchase a Federal Permit to operate the devices under the Federal Oral Food Particle Extraction Law. Such permit may be purchased on line or at the local Department of Social Services and may be obtained for the price of $371 annually. All eating establishments must purchase a toothpick permit for the number of patrons their establishment is designed to accommodate for any given meal. Any restaurant not displaying the toothpick permit will be forced to close by the end of the day in which their noncompliance is discovered.
In the coming decades people gathered around the dinner table will look at the new federally mandated toothpick and they will say: “Do you remember in the olden days when we had a little rounded sliver of wood sharp on both ends with which to pick our teeth?” Some little child at the table will chime in and say, “What did you use in the olden days daddy? What did you call it? To which the oldest member of the clan will reply….”What it was was A Toothpick.” “And, my little dear, aren’t you glad that our government cares so much for you that they want to make sure that you do not die or get injured by such a dangerous thing as we used to employ to clean our teeth.
