Just in time for Thanksgiving, we learn some of that big old bowl of stimulus gravy from Washington is going to steam into Augusta on that proverbial train to pay for improvements to the city’s aging infrastructure and transit.
There’s even talk about using $6 million of the expected $25 million on infrastructure around the James Brown Arena site which brings me to the main topic of today’s column, the 2021 Turkey of the Year awards.
Some years, the turkey pickings are thin, and we have to scratch around to find some worthy recipients, but this year, we had more turkeys than we knew what to do with.
Last year, the Coliseum Authority received the Blind Turkey award for buying a sign to go in front of the James Brown Arena without James Brown’s name on it and not looking at it before it was installed. This year, they were up for both the Turkey Pie in the Sky award and the Deaf Turkey trophy and won them both. They received the former for trying to burden Richmond County property owners with 30 years of debt paying off a new $230 million arena. That plan was shot down at the ballot box by homeowners armed with the knowledge they’d be paying for other people’s entertainment for the rest of their lives.
The authority was nominated for the Deaf Turkey Trophy because the members apparently didn’t hear the people say they didn’t want to pay for that much arena for that long. Authority members saw it as a “bump in the road” and are ploughing on ahead looking for alternative financing. Augusta commissioners agreed at Tuesday’s meeting to take $45,000 from the parks and recreation budget to hire a consultant to come up with a plan for obtaining federal money for the arena.
We’re rooting for them not to get the Dumb Turkey award next year.
Incidentally, the authority members’ terms had all expired, but the Augusta Commission reappointed them all in one fell swoop at Tuesday’s meeting with no public discussion. I don’t know how many years each one has been on the authority, but at least one was serving when I retired the first time in 2008.
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The Augusta Judicial Circuit receives the Split Turkey award. Richmond County gets the Mad Turkey award but doesn’t like it and sues, while Columbia County walks away with the Turkey Who Flew the Coop award.
The Augusta Commission, except for Commissioner John Clarke who didn’t vote to change the city’s no smoking ordinance to legalize cigar bars in Augusta, gets the Smoked Turkey award, donated by Augusta’s medical community.
Sammie Sias, who was removed as District 4 commissioner after he was indicted for destroying government documents and lying about it, heard the president is pardoning turkeys this week and is keeping his fingers crossed he’s one of them.
Augusta mayoral candidates also won awards. For the first time, we are giving an award for Turkey dinner desserts and side dishes which goes to candidate Garnett Johnson who hosted a Sweet Potato Giveaway Saturday in Hephzibah. His mother, Edna, shared her sweet potato pie recipe and receives the inaugural Turkey Sweet award.
There’s not such a sweet award for mayoral candidate Brian Marcus who got into a fight with a deputy at a gas station on Washington Road in August and landed up in jail, but not before he was tased several times. For that, he receives the Electrified Turkey award.
Another political hopeful who might be a turkey himself is Leroy Crew Jr., aka Ray Montana, an ex-con activist running for the District 2 Augusta Commission seat now held by Dennis Williams. Crew/Montana founded CSRA Street Justice and carries a big stick, but he does not speak softly. Based on his picture in the newspaper, he gets the Turkey Look-Alike award.
The former strippers at the Discotheque Lounge and Joker Lounge in downtown Augusta receive Well-Dressed Turkey awards because this year a judge ruled against nude dancing in places that serve alcohol. And a lot of former lounge patrons have gone elsewhere for their Wild Turkey.
City Administrator Odie Donald gets the Stuffed Turkey award for his billion-dollar 2022 budget. No matter how much stuff he stuffs in it, it doesn’t get any bigger. Like he said, it’s flat. It does get a lot heavier though and more expensive, especially when you figure in those “baked-in costs” he talked about.
Even with $4.5 million in American Rescue Plan funds added to the general fund budget to balance it, there was no budget increase. Isn’t that something to be really thankful for this Thanksgiving? That’s why we didn’t make him Turkey of the Year outright, although he deserved it for getting Antonio Burden on the finalist list for fire chief even though Burden wasn’t even on the radar of the recruiting company the city hired to find the most qualified candidates. Burden was the least qualified of the finalists and got the job anyway.
Who knows what role Odie played in the city’s refusal to release the names and resumes of the other finalists, forcing The Augusta Press and other local media outlets to go to court to get them? He might have just been following orders.
On the other hand, Mayor Hardie Davis was so deserving of the top award for his Non-discrimination ordinance and Monument Task Farce that we were torn. So, what we did was pull the turkey wishbone under the table, and Hardie came up short and won Turkey of the Year, 2021.
The mayor also once again gets the prestigious Turkey a la King award. And former Commissioner Marion Williams receives his Turkey of the Year, Emeritus, in Perpetuity award for the eighth year in a row.
One Sure Thing Does Not Lead to Another
During a commission discussion Tuesday on rezoning property on Pleasant Home Road in west Augusta to allow 119 apartments to be built on 18.8 acres of land in a single-family home neighborhood, Commissioner Clarke, in speaking against the project said, “It’s like one of them (developers) told me the other day, he says, ‘You know, it’s going to eventually be built on, and traffic’s going to eventually increase, so why don’t you go ahead and do it now?’
“That’s like saying you’re going to die eventually, so why don’t you go ahead and die now?”
The rezoning was voted down.
Almost a Shot in the Dark
A few years ago, my husband Ernie learned that his oxygen intake drops off considerably while he sleeps, especially when he snores. His cardiologist ordered a sleep study to get more data on it. So, on the assigned night, he arrived at a sleep lab, which he said was a misnomer because the last thing you’re going to do at a sleep lab is sleep. At least peacefully.
He arrived all relaxed, having taken a Valium knowing that it was going to be a long night. And it was, especially after the technician wired him up to look like somebody had spilled a bowl of spaghetti over his head and then told him to go to sleep which he couldn’t do even with the Valium until around 4 a.m. Then suddenly, a light so bright came on he said he thought it was 1966 and he was back at Lackland Air Force base. Then he heard a voice telling him to get up. He said he asked what time it was, and she said, “5 0’clock. Time to get up and go home.” He said he knew I wasn’t expecting him that early, so when he got home he came in the back door trying not to make any noise, but when he came in I was standing there in the dark with a pistol saying, “Who is that?’
“It’s OK. It’s me,” he said.
Later, he said he thought the test was supposed to help keep him alive.
“I knew I was close to dying. This was supposed to fix it. I come back home, and I almost get killed.”
The moral of this story is: Snoring can kill you.
Oink Oink Oink
Commissioners are discussing hiring two lobbyists to serve Augusta’s interests in Atlanta and Washington D.C. Uhhhhh, isn’t that part of the jobs of state legislators in Atlanta and representatives and senators in D.C.? Not that any of them expect to work when they get sent to the capitols.
Requiem
Deepest sympathies to Don Bailey and his wife Chelle on the loss of their son Gray last week. Don, former president of The Augusta Chronicle and president and publisher at The Telegraph & macon.com, posted the following message Monday on Facebook.
“It is with very heavy hearts that Chelle and I share that our youngest son Jackson Gray Bailey passed away yesterday. We will greatly miss his infectious smile, his ability to turn anything into an adventure, and the way he made everyone around him want to be better. We could not be prouder of the man he was. At this time what we need most is your prayers.”
Sylvia Cooper is a Columnist with The Augusta Press. Reach her at sylvia.cooper@theaugustapress.com
