Editor’s note: This week’s Motorhead column is interrupted by a special column with news of a new development in sleigh technology, straight from the North Pole. Moms and Dads, this is a column you can share with your children.
The United States military, NASA and NORAD are now coming clean to the public about a rash of Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon (UAPs) this summer that occurred over the continental US and Atlantic Ocean.
The sightings, according to military brass, are not extraterrestrial. They were test flights of the new NPX Holiday 88 Super Sleigh developed by Commander Kris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus.
U. S. National Guard Brig. Gen. Bobby Christine, better known locally as the district attorney for the Columbia County Judicial District, was called in on the project as a special liaison, reporting only to the president and Joint Chiefs of Staff. He said the project was so top secret that Air Force pilots were not told they might see something strange in the air.
“This had to be kept under wraps so that NORAD could secretly refine their capabilities to track Santa on Christmas Eve. Thankfully, all of the tests were successful,” Christine said.
NORAD has tracked Santa’s sleigh ride since 1955, but the agency had to retool its equipment when Santa got a new sleigh. His new ride, the NPX Holiday 88 Super Sleigh, can travel at 50 times the speed of sound.
Chief Engineer of ELF Skunk Works at Santa’s Motorpool Lance Mopar says his company worked with NASA to create a nuclear fusion turbine jet engine as the main propulsion engine.
The reactor, cheekily dubbed “Mr. Fusion,” was built under a cloak of secrecy at a local nuclear facility, which cannot be named for security reasons.
The fusion system uses a special uranium ion only found at the North Pole.
According to Mopar, one speck of the Uranium CE the size of a snowflake can power the sleigh around the glove five times every Christmas and still will not need refueling until the year 3000. However, Mopar said there were challenges in developing the engine, which is based on the Chrysler turbine car of 1959.
“We partnered with NASA because normally a turbine will spin at around 10,000 RPM or so. We needed a metal alloy that will spin at five million RPM without disintegrating,” Mopar said.
When the sleigh needs to travel under MACH speed, it has two specially made Rocket 88 engines using technology from the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet.
The sleigh still uses reindeer, of course, but all they have to do is steer and help Santa navigate. The sleigh does have a fail-safe “fog breaker 3000” should Rudolph not be available for duty.
One of the most advanced devices on the Super Sleigh is its braking system.
“It was not that hard to make the sleigh go fast, but getting it to stop is another matter. We developed the ‘Insta-Stop’ runners that can bring the sleigh from 500 miles per hour to a full stop in .02 seconds, and its proven not to damage roofing tiles,” Mopar said.
Now that the secret is out, Santa himself released a statement to all parents:
“Old Santa can now travel at the speed of light, which gives me time to sit back and enjoy the milk and cookies left out for me by all the nice kids, but don’t let your babies put up a fight. When it is time, make sure their heads are in their beds!”
Scott Hudson is the senior reporter for The Augusta Press. Reach him at scott@theaugustapress.com
