Oh, this is my debut with The Augusta Press! It’s got to be good, but what can I write about? This is stressful. Everybody expects so much from me.
Can you believe that for the first time since August I’m going to get paid for writing, and suddenly, I’ve got writer’s block?
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I’ve got to come up with something original. Something brilliant, like Austin Rhodes’ analysis Thursday about why Democrats won the election.
It can’t be old news, like “Columbia County wants to split from the Augusta Judicial Circuit, and Richmond County doesn’t want them to, but they’ll go along with it because they can’t do anything about it.”
Oh, my blood pressure is going through the roof!
How about “Mayor Hardie Davis’ Confederate Monument Task Force submitted its final report and recommended moving or razing all Confederate monuments and renaming anything and everything that was named for Confederate generals”?
The Signers Monument on Greene Street could become Grant’s Tomb. Declaration of Independence signers Lymon Hall and George Walton who are buried there would just have to move over.
Gordon Highway could become Lincoln Parkway, except that the cancel culture is going after Honest Abe now.
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Maybe it could become “Hardie’s Highway, the dividing line between #SOGO and #NOGO. And Fort Gordon could become Fort Sherman.
The Confederate Monument on Broad Street could be renamed the James Brown Monument after it underwent a major renovation, which would include removing the statue of the Confederate soldier on top and replacing it with one of James Brown.
Statues of the four Confederate generals at its base would also have to go. Another task force could be appointed to recommend replacements. And of course, the plaque on the side saying “No Nation Rose so White and Fair; None Fell So Pure of Crime,” would definitely have to be blow-torched off and replaced with the words to Brown’s, “I’m Black and I’m Proud” or “I Feel Good.”
As for the other offensive monuments, the mayor could appoint a task force to suggest ways to use them, such as converting them into election polling sites with ballot drop boxes.
Oh, I’ve got an idea. I’ll do what every burned-out old writer does when they run out of ideas. They ask the readers their opinions on some topic of the day and fill in with that. It’s called “reader participation.”
So, I asked my Facebook friends to send me their opinions of 2021 so far. The response was so good, I couldn’t use them all, but I’m keeping them to pull out and use if I ever have this writer’s block again.
And they Said…
Teresa Cheadle Boquist: 2021 so far? A disaster. Idiots at the Capitol. Protesters’ lives changed forever because of emotional mistakes. A president beloved by 70 million people wrongly impeached for the second time. A man who does NOT possess all his mental faculties about to take the highest office in our land. A gold-digging woman who had an affair with a married man about to take the second highest office and eventually the first, too. Censorship running rampant. Cancel culture taking control. Yeah, so far 2021 is a disaster.
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William R. Blount: I predict the worldwide economy crashing pandemic will become just a nasty virus after Jan. 20.
Cindy Colohan: The politics suck with the dissension and hypocrisy. If this is the beginning, and they feel this entitled to be so dishonest and wanting to change things, it’s scary. Been voting since Nixon and never felt this anxious about where we are headed.
Jesse Cousins: Going to get worse before it gets better, but when it does get better, it will be great.
Vince Broderick: 2021 so far: “Happy that vaccine is out for COVID and optimistic that I will soon become eligible to obtain this vaccine. Sad for the state of our governments, state and federal. State seems inept, and the Federal is filled with hate. We are going back to a government that is only about themselves. I feel like we are a million miles from Washington while really only a day’s drive away. Happy for those that have money invested and hopeful that they will protect that money now from crashes and government raids. Wishing we could have the Donald Trump party with all the policies but without Donald Trump since people hate him so much. But that’s impossible. Happy for my healthy family and especially happy for my grandchildren.”
Tonya Bonitatibus: Seems like 2021 has asked 2020 to hold its beer.
Virginia Archer Williams: For 2021, afraid virus will continue to mutate and more and more will be hospitalized, further taxing the nursing staff. Economy will spiral further down. Battle of gun control will be an issue, support of law enforcement by Congress will be an issue.
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Lawrence Hammond: 2021 is going well, personally. Family is healthy. Stocks are up. Bonuses are coming in for 2020. But am definitely expecting the shoe to drop once the inauguration takes place.
Larry Garner: We ain’t seen nothing yet.
Hugh Terrell: I predict that the Columbia County Theatre that is under construction will open and even with a two-story parking deck, there will be nowhere for senior citizens to park, so we will never see the inside of it, much less a live performance. And, I also predict they will build another building for the arts where the retirement home burned instead of buying that property back and providing adequate parking for events.
Carly Pender: It was a disaster. Our country is growing farther apart . . . . I pray everyday things will return to normal.
Fritz Wurzinger: I predict the stock market “ bubble” will burst
Jerry Brigham: The Columbia Circuit will come about before July 1. Natalie Paine will be appointed DA ,and Jessie Stone will be appointed the fifth judge in the Augusta Circuit in 2021.
Gone to the Dogs
Since voting in America has gone to the dogs with dogs and cats receiving absentee ballots in the mail and voting, these famous dogs are talking about what a Joe Biden presidency and the radical leftist Democrats in Congress, aided and abetted by RINOS, means to them while watching the Dec. 6 riot at the Capitol running non-stop on the big TV screen at their favorite hangout, “Bones Bar & Grill.”
(Elvis Presley’s “Your Cheatin’ Heart” is playing on the jukebox.)
Your cheatin’ heart
Will make you weep
You’ll cry and cry
And try to sleep
But sleep won’t come
The whole night through
Your cheatin’ heart
Will tell on you
Johnny: (Staring at the TV) Look at those fools. They stepped into a burning ring of fire. TV has showed it for the thousandth time.
Jerry Lee: Did somebody say fire? I’m on fire! Help me mister fireman, please. You know I’m burning from my head to my knees. I’m aflame with such a burning desire. A little girl set my soul on fire. She’s got me burning up like a paper cup. Hmmm, hmmm, I’m on fire.
Johnny: I’m talking about the rioters who broke into the Capitol.
Jerry Lee: They might have been on fire there, but a judge is going to put them in the cooler. Oh, Lawdy, Mama!
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George: I’m not worried about them. I’m worried about us. What’s going to happen to us when Joe Biden and the lefties are in charge?
Merle: Four years is not that long.
Johnny: It is for us. Four years is like 28. We’ll never be able to vote when the Chinese Communists take over.
Credence Clearwater: Vote! They don’t even have dogs in China. If one turns up, they have him for breakfast.
Kitty: What about cats?
Credence Clearwater: I don’t know about cats.
Kitty: Well, like I told you boys the last time I was in this joint, I’m switching from right to left.
George: Hey guys, what do you think about big tech, big business and Wall Street ganging up on the Deplorables, trying to shut them up about saying the Democrats stole the election? Facebook canceled the accounts of everybody who said the Democrats stole the election for Joe Biden. Amazon even canceled Parler.
Kitty: Well, I’ve never in all of my nine lives heard of such a thing! I’m canceling my Amazon account first thing tomorrow. We all should.
Reba: You can’t even talk about the night the lights went out in Georgia without being banned.
Jerry Lee: Great balls of fire! Is that what happened to my Facebook page? I was wondering where it was. Has anybody else here been canceled?
Buck: I’m not on Facebook. I can’t type. My toes are too big. When I try, a whole bunch of jumbled-up letters show up on the screen. That’s one of the disadvantages of being a Bluetick Coon Hound.
Kitty: Whatever happened to free speech?
Merle: Those dirty dogs in Washington ate it.
George: Lou Dobbs says the Democrats’ and 10 RINOS’ impeachment of President Donald Trump is just the latest political persecution in four years by big business, Wall Street, big media and big tech. Lou said the president has suffered four years of radical Democrat persecution. He called it “venality on the part of Democrats.”
Jerry Lee: Be Bop A Lula! When did you start watching Lou Dobbs?
George: I watch a lot of those shows. Just because I’m country don’t mean I’m not cool. There’s much more to me than just being a reformed old drunk. I’ll have you know, I graduated from the Canine Academy of America in Washington, D.C. It’s like the FBI for dogs before the FBI went to the dogs. The FBI’s top dogs, that is.
Jerry Lee: You mean like Jim Comey and Peter Strzok?
George: Yeah. Them and a lot of others. And now I believe our days are numbered. The Communist Chinese have already got a big foothold in the good ol’ U.S.A. and too many in Congress are in bed with them.
Literally.
Buck: We got heartaches by the number, troubles by the score.
George: After the Woke cancel us, they’re going to cancel the Democrats, big shots like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and the rest of those lying, hypocritical scoundrels.
Jerry Lee: They’re sure enough gonna be Woke then! (The jukebox is playing “Jack Daniels if You Please” as they order another round at Bones Bar & Grill.)
Sylvia Cooper is a columnist with The Augusta Press. Reach her at sylvia.cooper@theaugustapress.com
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