(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Augusta Press.)
Augusta Commissioners took the first step to rid the city of emblems of the Confederacy last week by voting 7-2 to change the name of the Fifth Street Bridge to Freedom Bridge and remove all markers with Jefferson Davis’s name on them.
That vote to violate state law by removing the brass and marble plaques and markers won for those seven commissioners who were so offended by them the Turkey Flock of the Year Award.
Only Commissioners Catherine McKnight and John Clarke voted against the motion.
I just hope they make sure all that brass and marble that have been there for almost 100 years aren’t structurally significant so when they take them out, the bridge doesn’t fall into the river. Talk about a project being underwater.
Of course, Tuesday’s action is just the beginning of the destruction of Civil War monuments that won’t end until even the markers on the graves of Confederate soldiers in Magnolia Cemetery are removed because they offend somebody.
It’s a vengeful movement that only a few are willing to object to or fight because they’re afraid of being called a racist by some of the biggest racists who ever lived, such as former Commissioner Bill Fennoy who knelt during the Pledge of Allegiance during commission meetings. And others who live and breathe to be offended.
I can’t tell you how tired I am of being lectured to by ignoramuses, some with titles and abbreviations after their names, about the origins of the monuments and slavery and the pain and humiliation the Confederate relics cause. I’ve been to college, too, and I would bet the heart-shaped pendant carved on horn by one of my ancestors when he was a Confederate soldier far from home that until just recently, half the people in Augusta thought Jefferson Davis was a highway. Period.
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Other Turkey Bones to Pick
Although the turkey award pickings are a little thin this year because one big turkey gobbled up so many, there were still a few deserving turkeys who needed recognition.
Former Augusta Commissioner Sammy Sias, a convicted felon, is no longer a free-range turkey. He’s confined to the barn awaiting sentencing and is eligible to receive the Penned-Up Turkey of the Year trophy, but we might have to wait until next year to give it to him.
Meanwhile, since commissioners are intent on taking down all markers that might offend someone, maybe one of them should suggest replacing the Sias Way sign leading to Jamestown Community Center with one that says, “Crime Doesn’t Pay.”
The Economic Development Authority received the Deaf, Dumb and Blind Turkey award this year because they didn’t know their chairman Steven Kendrick was doing the turkey trot with Regency Mall owner Alan Cardinale to develop the mall into a multi-million-dollar complex with a school, stores and a thousand apartments. And they didn’t find out about it until right before Kendrick, who coincidentally was running for mayor, announced it at a big press conference, qualifying him for the Turkey Surprise trophy.
Earlier Kendrick also helped promote the C4Live concert that was supposed to blow everybody away with star power at Lake Olmstead Stadium but fell through, which earned him the Turkey Egg on Your Face Award.
Kinder, Gentler, Humbug
The city’s planning department director Carla Delaney wants a kinder, gentler Code Enforcement division, starting with changing the name to Code Compliance which, of course, signals there won’t be any enforcement going on regarding that car with no tires sitting up on concrete blocks in your front yard. Or the tree that fell through your roof last year you haven’t gotten around to doing anything about other than putting a real good tarp over it. They’re just going to leave a little notice on your doorknob as an introduction and ask you to comply with wishes for you to cut your two-foot-high grass.
And perchance you don’t have a lawnmower, the new “Supply to Comply” program will supply you with a voucher so you can rent one at taxpayers’ expense. If perchance some thief in the night makes off with the rented lawnmower, that will be at taxpayers’ expense too.
DeLaney also wants to take away code inspectors’ Kevlar vests and change the name to Code Compliance to remove any stigma from consistently letting your grass grow so high that snakes feel right at home living there, any sense that it’s akin to being a criminal.
Well, isn’t it?
Anyway, for her effort to rebrand Code Enforcement DeLaney received the Turkey Tenders trophy.
Meanwhile, Interim City Administrator Takiyah Douse, whom I like and admire, partly because she returns phone calls, and when she’s asked a question, she answers it if she can. If not, she says so and promises to get the answer. She seems very pleasant and always has such a fixed smile on her face I sometimes wonder whether it’s real or a plaster cast, which is why she received the Frozen Turkey trophy.
Augusta commissioners gave raises and bonuses to city employees and included $750,000 in next year’s billion-dollar budget to implement yet another $250,000 pay study which earned them the Sweet Potato Pie award and had employees singing and dancing to James Brown’s “Do the Mashed Potatoes.”
And, as usual, Augusta taxpayers get the Plucked Turkey award because of higher taxes and fee increases coming their way to pay for commissioners’ generosity and the tiny homes for the homeless initiative that is being pushed by Commissioner Jordan Johnson who gets the Bleeding Turkey Heart award.
Mayor-elect Garnett Johnson received the Turkey Wishbone trophy for luck next year.
MORE: Column: Augusta Commission votes to spend ARP money on more security cameras
Turkey of the Year 2022
Mayor Hardie Davis has received the Turkey of the Year award so many times, he’s probably tied with former Commissioner Marion Williams for Turkey of the Year Emeritus in Perpetuity. And he won the Top Turkey trophy again this year for reasons The Augusta Press has published and I’ve written about time and again. You’ve been reading for months about his wasteful and vainglorious spending and lack of receipts; his two state ethics commission investigations; his seeking a divorce from his wife who accused him of adultery with a staff member/consultant. And that’s just skimming the surface. And he appears to have no shame.
Thanksgiving 2022 from A to Z – Reasons to be thankful this holiday season
A. Augusta will soon have a new mayor
B. Ben Hasan will be off the commission and finding out whether former Commissioner Moses Todd’s statement that commissioners are dropped “like a wet dishrag” when they leave office is true. If so, I don’t know what Ben will do.
C. Covid-19 booster shots are better than ever and much better than getting Covid
D. Dennis Williams will be off the commission and able to lean back in his recliner and watch for reruns of himself being interviewed on the 6 o’clock news.
E. Emergency Medical Services like Gold Cross
F. Flock security cameras are helping solve crime in Augusta, but we have concerns they might catch you reading magazines at the newsstand without paying or peeing in the bushes and call the police to come haul you off to jail.
G. Groundhog Day, Google, Goldendoodles
H. Hardie will soon be gone.
I. Instant mashed potatoes
J. John Clarke can get back on Facebook and express his politically incorrect opinions without fear of reprisal.
K. Keep Augusta Beautiful has gone the way of the DoDo bird.
L. Landings Apartments’ camouflage covered security guard shack the new owner put up that offended some pantywaist Augusta commissioners, mainly because commissioners McKnight and Clarke were involved with the owner to help curb crime there, which the offended commissioners should have been doing in their districts.
M. Maurice McDowell’s incompetence became so obvious, it forced commissioners to admit something had to be done, and they hired a private engineering firm for almost $7 million to work on parks and recreation sites the next few years.
N. No jets crashed in our front yard.
O. Odie Donald left in February
P. Public art. I know it when I see it.
Q. Quibbling over where $380,000 or so would come from to supplement the public library and pay for an accountability court, public defender and prosecutor ended when commissioners adopted next year’s billion-dollar budget.
R. Regency Mall site is still an ugly mess, but the city didn’t pay $63 million for it to become taxpayers’ ugly mess like the mayor wanted it to.
S. Scott Johnson’s “moonlighting” saw the light of day, but nobody seemed to mind because the good Republicans in Columbia County are supportive of small businesses, even when they’re making the kind of dough Johnson and his deputy administrator partners are making.
T. Travel budgets for Augusta commissioners were raised to $7,500 a year because they couldn’t go to enough conferences to learn anything worthwhile on a paltry $4,500 a year.
U. Underdogs and all other dogs too
V. Vax Up Augusta! Ended January 31
W. Whoopee cushions you threw away years ago still make embarrassing sounds when you sit down, but they are unexplainable.
X. Xerox machines if they still make them
Y. Yellowstone
Z. Zinc tablets
Sylvia Cooper is a columnist with The Augusta Press. Reach her at sylvia.cooper@theaugustapress.com
