If Augusta were a movie, it would surely resemble one worthy to be directed by the late and great director, Stanley Kubrick.
Among Kubrick’s noteworthy theatrical triumphs were “Full Metal Jacket,” “Barry Linden” and “A Clockwork Orange.”
Many of the main characters in these hits were people that suffered from maladies and conditions, such as “delusions of grandeur.”
Did you just say to yourself, “that sounds like 75% of the elected officials and department directors in Augusta?”
If you did, you just may be correct.
In an effort to be taken seriously, Commissioner Stacy Pulliam, once again, wasted time by asking for a discussion and update on a grounds maintenance schedule for lots, right of ways and city-owned properties.
Maybe a suggestion for Commissioner Pulliam would be to read the Engineering Department’s fantasy mowing schedule and also read the July 11 right sizing plan that everyone was stumbling all over themselves praising the work that was put into the plan.
The plan is just another wasted motion that is sure not going to be followed. It will get lost in the hedge maze of “The Shining.”
Perhaps the Augusta movie could be directed by farce legends, the Farrelly brothers.
Gus Gunderson, a retired gentleman from New York, addressed the commission on the storm water and flooding. As usual, a citizen’s complaint fell on the deaf ears of the omnipotent commissioners.
Commissioner Bobby Williams delivered the same old song and dance routine that he gives to the taxpayers with the same precision of Cab Calaway performing Minnie the Moocher in “The Blues Brothers.”
You all know the routine, heavy rain in a short period of time taxes old infrastructure that can’t handle it. They’re addressing the issues and problems and the stormwater program works, but we still need more money.
Williams’ Monty Python number this time added a new verse: “Have you reported this to 311? ”
The staff of 311 itself is pretty laughable. Dealing with them reminds me of the airport car rental scene in “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.”
Everyone that has ever called the telephone line knows that 311 is a hit or miss experience at best. Many residents complain of placing an issue with 311 and nothing ever happens except that the issue gets transferred and closed.
All the while, the 311 staff brag about their close-out ratio, when all they have to do is hit a button to close an order. It is quite easy to have a great ratio when all they have to do is send off an email and then consider the job done with no follow-up. The responsible departments should be providing the close out data.
Talk about dumber and dumber.
By the way, have all of the 311 staff returned to on-premises workspace or are they still working from home? I am told the clock in and out procedure can still take place from anywhere as long as the employee has a cell phone or laptop.
Ah, to be lounging on the beach and still able to clock in, knowing that no one will tell as long as you answer a call or two a day. Pretending the dead boss is still alive worked for the guys in “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
In a major plot twist, something new was let out of the bag during the committee meeting concerning storm water. The drainage ditches along the roads in neighborhoods and in front of houses and, in some instances, along the back of a property, are now all on “demand cleaning.”
So, that means property owners must call and demand that the drains be cleaned.
All of us have seen the signs placed in strategic locations, so all can read them in bold letters, ” Your storm water fees at work;” but then, you mostly never see anyone actually working. If you do, it’s usually one person pushing a mower, one person using a weed eater and another person using a blower to blow the debris into the storm culvert.
With so much money taken in for storm water work, why is it no work is getting done?
We all know that millions of dollars go toward employee payroll. Maybe someone could explain why a private citizen was using a push mower to cut the grass down on the riverfront by the dilapidated boat house. The poor fellow has had to do this for years and his thank you was a punch thrown at him by Bully Williams.
Each of the three city-owned and maintained cemeteries is budgeted to receive $250,000 each for upkeep and maintenance. So, then why is the grass in Magnolia Cemetery not being cut and trimmed…hardly ever?
Why hasn’t the rear brick wall to the cemetery been repaired in the nearly four months since it fell down? Why do you see city owned vehicles parked in all of the cemeteries and very seldom do you ever see a worker? Why is Cedar Grove being neglected to the point volunteers have maintain it?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Why has the Augusta Fire Department been dispatching a city-owned EMS Ambulance on calls to transport and bill patients? Why didn’t the commission know of this?
Remember, the new ambulance service with its huge contract is supposed to have all the calls covered.
It seems to me that they promised Fast and Furious, but are delivering Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang.
When Commissioner Jordon Johnson wanted to identify a funding source for $150,000 worth of playground equipment for Eastview Park, Commissioner Catherine McKnight challenged him and asked if the commission were going to identify a funding source for a playground in her district as well?
Both Commissioners Johnson and Williams made it clear that they were discussing only Commissioner Johnson’s request.
“Stick to the script, McKnight,” they might as well have said.
Not to be discouraged, Commissioner McKnight wanted to discuss the need for a certified arborist to be on Augusta’s payroll. Of course, the Fab Five, plus a couple of more commissioners, are in no way going to allow that to happen.
It’s a waste of money, they say. The city has the all-knowing Dr. Hameed Malik who knows best, they say.
We don’t need an expert; Mr. Bean is already on the job!
Johnson even made a statement about how the press compared Augusta to Charleston and Savannah and those cities wouldn’t let random tree cutting happen in their towns and boldly stated that this is Augusta and the city’s needs are unique from that of other cities.
Does Johnson not know that Augusta’s official nickname is “the Garden City?”
Isn’t it strange how when it suits their needs, the same commissioners have no problem comparing Augusta to other towns.
Watching the mayor and commissioners interact is like watching the demolition derby part of “Idiocracy” where a guy in a Yugo chained to a giant boulder has to do battle with an oversized, armored monster truck.
In the meeting, Mayor Garnett Johnson stated that he feels that Augusta needs an arborist on the payroll. He said that he travels to other cities and sees how those cities maintain their trees. But the Fab Five are going to attempt to stymie any of the mayor’s proposals as well, because right now they control the wheel of the 4/4 behemoth.
However, like the movie, for the mayor to be driving the Yugo might be to his advantage.
The Fab Five, plus one, are also bound and determined not to allow anything Commissioner McKnight proposes to become a reality.
The forensic audit that she fought for was stripped of its teeth and defeated in purpose. McKnight was out maneuvered and outvoted and had to settle for an operational audit that has nothing to do with discovering possible financial misdeeds.
McKnight, at this point in time, could ask the Fab Five for the correct time of day and they would cover their wristwatches in order for her not to know. She is a fighter with only the citizen’s best interest in mind and, to some, that is threatening.
I reckon she couldn’t star in a Kubrick movie; she doesn’t have that menacing side that thrills audiences. However, she is proving to have the well-manicured grit of Elle Woods in “Legally Blond.”
Commissioner Wayne Guilfoyle ruffled some feathers with both the Procurement and Engineering Departments at the Aug. 8 meeting.
When it came to approving the recruiting services company for the hiring recommendation for a new city administrator, Guilfoyle questioned the choice, being that the company had on its employee list the past administrator for Augusta, Janice Allen Jackson.
The controversial Jackson resigned in 2019 under a cloudy deal that gave her a golden parachute and now it appears she is flying back into town on the Magical Wonkavator.
Procurement Department Director Gerri Sams saw no issue with Jackson’s employment with the firm that is going to recommend the next city administrator.
In Sam’s professional opinion, the company contracted was the best one suited. Yet, the recommended company was more in line as being a financial services company, in my understanding.
Guilfoyle recommended another company with better actual experience in recruiting. Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well with Sams. The measure was moved forward to the full commission quickly and that fact should prove telling: the deal is already done.
Somewhere out there Mortimer and Randolph Duke from “Trading Places” are laughing in their tuxedos as they toss back a cognac in the back of their limo.
The other issue Guilfoyle brought up was the request by Malik for a rate increase for garbage pickup here in Augusta. The rate hike is needed so the landfill can maintain its current functions, according to Malik.
The numbers Malik gave out did not really seem to match what he was asking for. When questioned about it, he did what he always does. Malik thickened his accent and went into mumble-whisper-mode so that nobody could really understand what he was saying.
Since Malik is the director of Augusta’s Engineering Department and lives in a gated community in Columbia County, Guilfoyle asked what he paid for garbage pick-up in Columbia County. This is where it gets really interesting: $264 dollars a year for twice a week garbage pickup was the answer.
And Columbia County brings most of Malik’s trash to Augusta’s landfill. Try and make sense of that.
With all the fierce determination of Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady,” Downtown Development Authority Director Margaret Woodard gave the commission an update on what the DDA has accomplished of late and what is currently going on its agenda to bring business to downtown.
Woodard announced the creation of 47 new businesses in the corridor, 11 expansions, two old office buildings being renovated into apartments and $93.2 million in private investments with 36.2 % of that being with women and minority investments.
I am both proud and humbled to be a part what the DDA does as a member of the authority board, and I get to see firsthand the efforts the staff puts forth to keep the downtown area an economic success.
It was truly a great, inspiring report to read and the presentation to the commission was Oscar-worthy. It was just too bad that most of the commissioners had left before Woodard was allowed to present the report.
The hard-working Woodward found herself looking up from the cutting room floor.
A viewing of the film of Augusta politics would be like watching a dark comedy, film noir, zombie version of “Groundhog Day.”
As always folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.
