Augusta commissioners were so caught off guard by the surprise resignation of their high-dollar administrator Odie Donald, they almost canceled their Stupor Bowl X contest on Super Bowl Sunday LVI.
But they said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
And they know it’s going to be tough because Donald, who told them how to spend $82 million from the American Rescue Plan Act (ARPA), is leaving, and they’re stuck with spending it and being blamed when ARPA has been spent but the things it’s paying for are still there, like employee raises and new positions.
But they decided the game must go on, and because Odie is still here at least until Feb. 25, he had to get in the game and referee because Mayor Hardie Davis refused to be seen in a striped shirt.
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They’d planned to dress out and play Stupor Bowl X on the Augusta Common, but with COVID and having to wear masks and avoid physical contact, they decided to match wits instead. So, they moved the game to the Marble Palace and played behind clear plastic barriers, which was good because it kept any stray COVID germs from spreading because viruses apparently just keep beating themselves to death on clear plexiglass not realizing they could just drift over or around it. And if tempers flared among commissioners and somebody wanted to throw a punch, they’d come away with a sore hand.
Commissioners were divided into two teams along racial lines, as usual, which put the White team at a disadvantage having only four eligible players to the Black team’s six players. So, they drafted former mayors Bob Young and Deke Copenhaver to round out the White team’s roster which necessitated rolling in two more chairs.
There was no coin toss, but Commissioner Francine Scott sang the National Anthem, and because Bill Fennoy is no longer on the commission, everybody stood. And when she’d finished, they gave her a standing ovation because she has a beautiful singing voice, and to her credit didn’t ruin the performance by doing vocal gymnastics as so many other singers do.
“Are you ready for the first question,” Odie asked. “Alright then, what was the most important thing that happened in Augusta Last week?”
Commissioner Catherine McKnight hit her buzzer first.
“Groundhog Day!”
“Incorrect,” Odie said. “My resignation was the most important.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said McKnight. “I thought you said the most important thing, not the most inconsiderate.”
“Next question. What is the most pressing issue in Augusta today?”
“Vaxing up!” said Commissioner Ben Hasan, hitting his buzzer as he spoke.
“Wrong!” Odie said. “Vax Up Augusta! Ended Jan. 31, and we met our goal and had $500,000 left over to add to the commissioners $11 million ARPA money to play with.”
“Mr. Referee, I know this is not a part of the Stupor Bowl game, but is there any way of knowing how many of those $100 gift cards were stolen?” Commissioner John Clarke asked.
“I’m calling foul on you, Commissioner Clarke and penalizing your team five points,” Odie said. “I gave you a detailed report on the Vax Up program. Every penny was accounted for.”
“Yeah, but do you know who got those gift cards once they were distributed to the health department and those other agencies giving the COVID vaccinations? Did you have any way of tracking those cards once they left your hands except through the honor system?”
“Once again I’m calling foul on your team and penalizing you five more points. Now let’s proceed. What is the most pressing issue in Augusta today?”
“Whatever happened to nude dancing on Broad Street?” Clarke asked. “Some people think it’s still a pressing issue.”
“The federal judge outlawed it, but it’s still under appeal, I believe,” Odie said, “and I’m penalizing your five more points for delay of game for asking frivolous questions.”
“Homelessness is the most pressing issue in Augusta today,” said Commissioner Jordan Johnson. “People freezing to death on the streets with nowhere to go, at least they were before I got the city to open warming centers during the coldest nights. That’s why we need to build a $5 million homeless shelter to help these sick alcoholics, drug addicts and mentally-ill people.”
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“Correct and politically correct, too, to be concerned about the homeless and the less fortunate,” Odie replied. “That’s a touchdown or what we call a win-win, and you’ve put seven points on the scoreboard for your team. It will be good to get some of them out of Atlanta where I’m headed and over here to your homeless shelter. Now are you ready for the next question?”
“Wait a minute,” said Commissioner Alvin Mason. “I think Augusta has more than one pressing issue. So would you ask that question again. Maybe it should be, ‘What is one of Augusta’s top three pressing issues. Or four even?’”
“Alright, Commissioner Mason. I will. What is one of Augusta’s most pressing issues?”
“Run down and crime-infested apartment complexes like Azalea Apartments and the Bon Air owned by out-of-town landlords who get rich off rent payments from the federal government while the tenants live in places not fit for a dog.”
“That’s a big one, Commissioner Mason. And seven points on the scoreboard for your team, which brings the score to 14 to minus 15 for the other side. So, I’ll ask that question again….”
Commissioner Brandon Garrett pressed his buzzer and shouted, “The Lock and Dam. If the Corps of Engineers has its way and tears it down, Augusta will be in big trouble. The Savannah Riverkeeper, the Georgia Ports Authority and environmentalists will be doing a happy dance on downtown Augusta’s mudflats, but the city will be up a creek without a paddle.”
“That might be the case, Commissioner Garrett. So that’s seven points for your team. Now let’s go to a question submitted by a Stupor Bowl fan. ‘Who’s the biggest crook in Augusta government?’”
They all hit their buzzers and shouted, “Not me! Go on to the next question!”
“Alright then, “Who is the most ethically challenged person in city government?”
The mayor who was sitting on the sidelines, stood up and called a timeout.
“All due respect, Mr. Mayor, you’re not in the game. You can’t call timeout,” Odie said.
“I want to know who wrote those questions,” Davis said. “We don’t have anyone in city government who is ethically challenged.”
“Sorry, Mr. Mayor. The questions came from Stupor Bowl fans.”
“Fine, but go on to the next question, please,” said Davis.
“Here’s a good one,” Donald said. “What is Augusta’s fastest growing industry?”
“The Augusta government,” said Bob Young.
“Wrong,” said Odie. “In my office I replaced two deputy administrators with two others, as is my prerogative, added a Capital Improvement Projects Manager, a Public Information Officer, an Administrative Coordinator, a Transparency Officer and hired an Economic Development and Innovation Manager for the Augusta Economic Development Office.
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“And in an effort to be transparent, diverse and inclusive, let me share with you they are all African American. Other than the employees in my office, we ‘baked in’ another necessary 10 or so paid with ARPA money, but the number of employees has not increased..
“So again, “What is Augusta’s fastest growing industry?”
“The Augusta National,” said Commissioner Sean Frantom.
“Wrong. It only seems that way,” said Odie.
“So, I’m asking that question again….”
“The Cyber Command!” Deke shouted.
“Correct for seven points,” said Odie.
“And now for the final question, ‘What is Augusta’s greatest asset?’”
“Its taxpayers,” said Mayor Pro Tem Bobby Williams. “That’s why we as commissioners need $7,500 each to travel to conferences and conventions to learn and bring things back to Augusta to benefit our taxpayers. For example, Mayor Davis traveled to the Miami area and brought back a new chief of staff and a whole list of businesses that he could spend taxpayers’ dollars on, one of which his new chief of staff had an interest in.
“Correct,” said Odie. “So that’s another seven points for your team.”
Then the game ending buzzer sounded with the black team winning 21 to -1.
A Valentine from Commissioners to their Beloved Taxpayers
Sometimes during your life, you probably thought you’ve paid your dues, and if you live in Augusta you definitely have paid dues to the Georgia Municipal Association; the Association County Commissioners of Georgia; the National League of Cities and the National Association of County Officers which host annual conferences and meeting for commissioners and the mayor to attend.
In addition to the $45,000 commissioners budgeted for commissioners’ travel last year, taxpayers footed the bill for $73,875 in dues to those organizations and $22,242 in dues to the U.S. Conference of Mayors and the African American Mayor’s Association. And they’ll pay more than that this year and commissioners increased their travel budgets to $7,500 each from $4,500 each.
Debbie Reddin van Tuyll is editor-in-chief of The Augusta Press. Reach her at debbie@theaugustapress.com
